Author Topic: I went on the internet and I found this - Joke Thread  (Read 479153 times)

Offline Steel_Lion_FIN

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Post your jokes that you think may cause some LOL's.

Number 1: The Warrior

Number 2:
One day a father decided to have a talk with his son:
-Son, you are almost 30. Isn't it about time you got married?
-I am, father, in two weeks.
-Who's the lucky one?
-Andrew, from the next door.
-You can't marry Andrew, son! He's a Democrat!
I'd rather play Kimble with my ass!


Offline Moose

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: 03-03-2010, 19:03:48 »
A man walks in to a bar and says ouch.

Offline G.Drew

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:35 »
Last night I went to the club and was dressed to kill...


...turban, sandles, rucksack, the whole getup.





How do you turn a washing machine into a snow plough? Give her a shovel.
« Last Edit: 03-03-2010, 20:03:16 by G.Drew »
"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory" - Gen. George S. Patton
-you aren't allowed to have nice things.

Offline Thorondor123

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:16 »
Want to hear a joke? OK:

"This thread is fun!"


Let mortal heroes sing your fame

Offline Paasky

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:39 »
What's the difference between a jew and santa claus?

I won't finish the joke as it might get me banned, damn political correctness...
It's half naked people on boats. That's all.
Here in Finland we call that "summer".

Offline NTH

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:36 »
Girls want to borrow the Ferrari from her father.

Father says "You know what to do"
So she gets down and her knees and gives him a blowjob.

Next day she says "Dad can I borrow the Car. He replies "You know the drill". And down she goes.

It's weekend and she wants to borrow it again. So her dad shows her his pecker. She opens her mouth and goes like "ohh what the hell is that brown stuff."

Dad answers "Oh shit I forgot, your brother borrowed the car earlier"


Milton Gault roared, "Roffey, I know bloody well that Jerry knows we are here but you don't need to advertise the fact!"
(From: First in the Field, Gault of the Patricias by Jeffery Williams, page 72.)

Offline Eat Uranium

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:58 »
An infinite number of physicists walk into a bar.  The first one asks "I'll have a pint please," and the next says "I'll have half what he's having".  The remaining physicists concour with the second guy.

The landlord takes a long look down the line, pours 2 pints and tells them their all stupid.

Offline THeTA0123

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:50 »
Hitler and his buddy fritz walk into a POW camp.

He stops by a British pilot
"How high can ze jump?"
""One meter.""
"Fritz,Grab and give him a bread, because he can jump one meter"
Being captured and then givin a bread. Food was scarce for prisoners
Hitler then goes to a Russian pilot
"How high can ze jump?"
""2 meters""
"Fritz! Grab and give zies man 2 breads! Because he can jump 2 meter!

The next person, an american pilot, overheard this conversation, and decided to take advantage of it
And he goes to Hitler

""Hitler! I can jump 4 meter!""
"Really? can you jump 4 meter?"
""Yes!!""
"Fritz! Grab a Rifle! He can jump over our fence!"
-i am fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there would only be one website left and it would be called bring back the porn "Perry cox, Scrubs.

Offline Ionizer

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: 03-03-2010, 20:03:33 »
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on a beach.  A beautiful woman walks by and asks him, "Have you ever been hugged before?"  The man says, "No..." and the woman gives him a great big bear hug, then walks away.  About an hour later, an even more beautiful woman walks up and asks him, "Have you been kissed before?"  The man again says, "No..." and the woman gives him a long, passionate kiss, then walks away.  About an hour later, the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen walks up and says, "Have you ever been fucked before?"  Sensing a pattern, the man gets excited and manages to stammer out, "No..."  The woman looks around, then looks back to the man and says, "Well, you are now, because the tide is coming in."  Then she walks away.
 

Offline Fuchs

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: 03-03-2010, 21:03:20 »
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on a beach.  A beautiful woman walks by and asks him, "Have you ever been hugged before?"  The man says, "No..." and the woman gives him a great big bear hug, then walks away.  About an hour later, an even more beautiful woman walks up and asks him, "Have you been kissed before?"  The man again says, "No..." and the woman gives him a long, passionate kiss, then walks away.  About an hour later, the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen walks up and says, "Have you ever been fucked before?"  Sensing a pattern, the man gets excited and manages to stammer out, "No..."  The woman looks around, then looks back to the man and says, "Well, you are now, because the tide is coming in."  Then she walks away.

+1 iRep! Havent read that one before, most certainly amusing.
"Force answers force, war breeds war, and death only brings death.
To break this vicious circle one must do more than act without thought or doubt."

Offline Moose

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: 03-03-2010, 21:03:51 »
That was the best joke so far.

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

To get to the other side.

Why did the woman cross the road?

Better question is what was she doing out of the Kitchen?

Why are women's feet shorter?

So they can stand closer to the sink

Offline Sir Apple

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: 03-03-2010, 21:03:25 »
Obama stole a gold medal from a downhill skier. Obama said he took it because nobody has gone downhill faster them himself.


(thx mudra)
« Last Edit: 03-03-2010, 21:03:49 by Sir Apple »

Offline Desertfox

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: 03-03-2010, 21:03:47 »

My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated, & kept asking "Why didnt they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me 2 make love 2 her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her up the arse & shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.


Blonde wife painting house, husband walks in and cant believe she's doing so well.But has to ask her why she is wearing a leather jacket & a parka, she said! Er hellooo read the ****ing tin it says for best results put on 2 coats!

Whats the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a car windscreen?

It's arse


Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.


In New York they named a street after Chuck Norris in recogninition for the many times he saved the city.
However, after thousands of deaths, they had to re-name the street.
NOBODY crosses Chuck Norris and lives!


A few from HLP forum

Offline hslan.Corvax

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: 03-03-2010, 22:03:34 »
Kid and Mom in the Kitchen:

"Mommy ? Can i have the cookies please ?"
"Sure, they are on the cupboard"
"Can you please give them to me ?"
"No, get them yourself"
"But Mom, you know, i've got no arms"
"Well, no arms, no cookies"

Friend of mine told me that yesterday ...

Offline Tedacious

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: 03-03-2010, 22:03:00 »
two tomates crossed the road, one of them were run over. the other one said:
"come on, catch-up!"
I see were you are trying to reach: "how can a 17 year old kid have such a thinking like this? why doesnt he wants to be like normal teens who whana get rich? and his plan actually makes sense, but is too damn revolutionary and good at the same time than is still doubthfull if it works..." - Damaso