I went on the internet and I found this - Joke Thread

[Steel_Lion_FIN]

When I'm drinking, I only take one beer, because after that one beer I'll be a different man!

And he drinks rest of the beers.

[:| Hi]

So a beaver walks into a bar, I forget the rest of the joke, but your moms a whore

[von.small]

So a beaver walks into a bar, I forget the rest of the joke, but your moms a whore

post of the year for me! lulz! 

it's like "what's the difference between your mum and an apple? Your mums a slag."


Q: what do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: take it for a drag

A paedophile and a young boy were walking through the woods late at night.
The boy looks up at the paedophile and says "but mister, I'm scared..."
The paedophile looks back at the boy and says, "think yourself lucky I've got to walk out of here on my own".

[senses ban hammer]

[Eat Uranium]

<Bad joke>
What do you get if you eat uranium?
Atomic ache.
</Bad joke>

[djinn]

Joke 1
A young female intern, an elderly female diplomat, Ariel Sharon and Arafat are standing in a train when it passes under an alcove - Everything goes dark... Everyone hears two distinct sounds, a kiss and a slap

Once the train emerges, Arafat is seen clasping his sore cheek with a comical look on his face. Being diplomatic no one says a word, but these are their thoughts:

Elderly woman: Poor fool, he must have tried to kiss the young intern and got slapped
Young Intern: Poor fool, he must have tried to kiss the old lady thinking it was me and got slapped
Arafat: What the hell happened?

Sharon: tihihi! I cannot wait for the next alcove to make kissing sounds and slap Arafat

[Paavopesusieni]

Once there was three axis leaders, Hitler, Mussolini and Mannerheim.
They all argued whose men were bravest:

Mussolini said to his solider to climb to a tower and jump down. Italian solider did it and broke his neck.

Hitler said to his solider to climb even higher tower during allied air raid and jump down. German solider did it, broke his neck and got a bunch of bullet holes.

Mannerheim said to his solider to also climb high tower and jump down. Finnish solider said "Hell no, jump yourself".

Who was actually the bravest...

[djinn]

So a Judge let a rabbit loose into the woods and had the FBI, CIA and NYPD on the job

The FBI go in first, come out an hour later and tell the judge
"We found the rabbit, but it had broken no known federal laws so we turned it loose"
The Judge responded
"You idiots, you didn't find the rabbit!"

The CIA go in next, come out an 30minutes later and tell the judge
"We found the rabbit, but don't worry, we made it a double-agent so we've turned it loose"
The Judge responds
"You idiots, you didn't find the rabbit!"

The NYPD go in third...
5minutes later, a big brown bear comes running out beating and blue and thumping its chest declaring,
"I confess, I'm a rabbit! I am a rabbit!!"

[von.small]

[djinn]

Jeez, you guys and your sense of humour...

[Thorondor123]

This totally made my day.

[djinn]

I wonder whether they realised it when they created that thing

[Eat Uranium]

[Kev4000]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[Tedacious]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

+1 iRep
Don't tell me what it means... I don't want to hear.


Oh wait, tell me, i'm bored.

[Cory the Otter]

A plane with german paratroopers above Greece.

The instructor guides every single parachutist to the door and pushes him out.

"Come on , come on , come on !" "We dont have time to mess around !"

"Out with you cowards!" "Come on ! The next one ! go go go!"

But one of them resists to jump by all means. He kicks punches and screams, tries to stem his legs against the doorframe.

"Out with you !" "We have no time for cowards !"

At last, the instructor gives him a kick and he flies out of the door...

The remaining parachutists start to laugh..

"You think that was funny or what ?"

"Funny ? , yes indeed sir.....that was the pilot"
Then this one....

Guy: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic"
Father: "Well, I do not see anythign wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war"
Guy: "But Father, I collected rent from for every week that he stayed"
Father: "Well, that is not a good deed, but it was for a good cause, so that is fine."
Guy: "... but Father.... should I tell him the war is over?"

ALSO....
The leutnant says to the feldwebel :

"That guy over there is pretty good"

"Yes indeed, but i have a feeling that we should better check his personal background"

"Why ?"

"After every shot he carefully removes his fingerprints from the rifle"


-thanks to b-17engineer