I need to get things off my chest.
I am writing this after a night of staying up, desperately churning out a task that I had to do for my studies (Bachelor degree in History) A horrible task of defining the differences between the family structure of European and Asian cultures vs sub-Saharan African. Sounds more like social anthropology to me, but that's not the point.
The point is that I am a slothful, undisciplined fucktard who is currently wasting his intelligence and life in favour of cheap satisfaction in the form of the computer. I have come to realize I am an computer/gaming addict of the worst kind. I am in my second year of studies and I have in that almost year-and-a-half been on maybe fifteen lectures tops. I stay up on the fucking POS computer until the first light of day hits, then wake up in the afternoon where the cycle repeats. I need to change. Last semester I did not do
anything. I didn't even show up for the exams. The pain of lying to my parents saying that the studies are going great is fucking awful, and I feel like a fucking loser. I need to change. My greatest fear is to become like my cousin who was really cool. But, even though he is exceptionally bright, he did not handle the studies and became a house occupant instead. Now he is a NEET living in an apartment his parents gave to him and goes to a psychologist.
I was a lot of depressed in my early teenage years, because of a crush I had on a wonderful (or so I thought) girl. She was a bitch in reality and mostly used me for favors. Anyways, I lost the depression some years later when I finally came over her, but lately I have felt it coming back. I cracked down tonight in some sort of mental breakdown. I am so fucking sick and tired of this useless addiction which is holding me back from unleash my true potential. I need to stop spending 12 hours a day, often more in front of a screen.
I'm gonna change. Starting today. (At least after getting some sleep)
My battleplan:-Start working out again. This gives me happiness and relieves stress.
-Nofap. Well, I have held out reasonably long before, and it works for me. I get much more energy and willpower out of it.
-Start going to the lectures and read the curriculum and generally start STUDYING.
-Last but not least: Stop sitting in front of the computer screen. This will be hard, but I think I have grown the willpower to actually do it after realizing and accepting I got a serious problem that I need to stop. The exception is the wonderful forgotten honor campaigns that I've signed up to. A couple of hours of training on Thursdays and battles on Friday and Saturday should be an acceptable limit of computer time in a week. I'm going to do this. I'm not going to fail. I can't fail. I
WILL change this.
To quote the the guys from Damageplan:
It's time to rip the chain from your neck
Let go the past as you purge
Free now from everything weighing you down
Open the floodgates and surge with
New found power https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4LiU1S-iIwA bit cheesy I admit, but it gives me confidence.
Fuck, I've been stupid.
Sorry if I went full Damaso, but I just needed to vent my frustration.This is my story I haven't told any of my friends.
Wish me luck.