The worst film should be bad because it is bad in cinematographic aspect: story, plot, acting, setting, message, aesthetic, effects, music, sounds, design, etc etc... So I would list a discussion regarding what's to avoid here from my standpoint:
I would not like to discuss bad political movies, cause Asian countries and some Eastern Europe got tons of those, and I would break the record of making the longest post in the internet history. Movies like 1911 is made in bad taste, it kinda perverse history in favour of China's Communist Party. Then there is Five Days of War, telling how evil the Russians are when they invaded South Ossetia back in 2008. They are a badly made political movie, but they are not really a bad movie, just a misplaced fiction book in the non-fiction shelf.
And again, there are actually a lot of junk B-movies out there like laughable Delta Force series or Iron Eagle, all of them are generally cheesy, but they still have a jolly good entertainment value, that's why I won't list them. Even cult films like H.P. Lovecraft's Reanimator series are still fine, I like Jeffrey Combs, he has that mad scientist charm in him, and that's a quality that most Oscar and Emmy award winning actors rarely have.
I should start with what is truly worse, I mean, worse as in you just can remember about everything that makes you reach that conclusion.
Alone In The Dark (2005)
By Uwe Boll
Starring Christian Slater, Tara Reid
The reason why I watched this is because I watched Churchill: The Hollywood Years (2004, which also starred Slater, and quite vulgar in hilarious way) and I kinda curious about the title which I suspect is licensed from the popular horror game with the same title.
Slater, with his looks and voice, one would expect him to deliver some Lundgren or Dudikoff like action qualities with slight horror/thriller tone. But this movie is simply bad: it uses many elements from what was quite a good video game franchise, and turn it into this popularity-cash-in poll of paranormal alien vs. military bullshit. The plot built up promised so much, there is deep investigation on what was a simple missing people, then it came into this long lost civilization, and then it leads to some ghastly plot from outer dimension. Looks promising, but then after, it totally deviates from what is good in the game.
The final show down requires them to show a lot of what supposed to be a great action, but fails dramatically due to stupid plotting and forced-stupidity in the story. They put an Apache like helicopter and the entire spec-ops military in some kind of oh-shit happens situation. It just doesn't caught up. They think could set up a very serious situation from what was a very slow start. You got hot chicks doing overused The Matrix style CGI fight scenes.
The lesson here
Be a hipster when you cannot go big. Because being big is really simple, and making small things complicated is the worse thing you can do.
Hipster means you don't try hard, what was once a simple blue collar horror movie is now a blockbuster wannabe with all the hype.
It is easier to fit an AH-64 Apache helicopter, a SdkfZ 251, and a BRDM-2 armoured car into movies like Ella Enchanted or Devil Wears Prada than movies of this genre. So if you have the chance with those toys, do it discreetly.... and be REEEEEALLY careful with those.
Ultraviolet (2006)
By Kurt Wimmer
Starring Milla Jovovich
Milla Jovovich, period. And they showed quite a lot of her body in this sci-fi dystopian action movie.
You were expecting the thought-inducing, and question-arising futuristic setting of Equilibrium (2002) by Wimmer. But you are not. This bullshit is more packed with thick lips, cleavage, and navel piercing with dancer moves. It also has vampire twists. Basically in the future, there is a disease that cause people turning into vampires, and some people don't like vampires, so they are trying to eliminate them. And that is the serving for a nice action movie. In this kind of movie, each side has to have an elite guy who takes oddjobs, from the vampire side is Milla Jovovich in skimpy suits.
What they take from Equilibrium is really just the gun kata and the whole big brother theme. The movie is ridiculously plotted, I mean if there are any plots at all, because the version they showed us here has a huge hole in it. You can't just sympathize for the main hero's cause. Why after all of the reputation, the hero suddenly make the change? Why this, why that? Why go through all of the hassle only to find out that the cure is not really the cure? Why risk it all? All is conveniently written by Wimmer so he can prevent Milla Jovovich to ever come to Oscar stage. Her career will never lift of after this.
I just sit in the theatre, along with all of my friends, watching Jovovich's ass, which was the only entertainment we could salvage from the movie.
The lesson here
Plots people, a good movie needs one.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
By Somebody who can't give a damn
Starring Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu, Ray Park, and else
Franchise making name.
The good thing about English language is that, no matter how silly the meaning is, you can still sound cool in it. Roughly everybody in the planet is aware of it, but they are just so cool, so we can't just be bothered discovering the very bit of the lexicon and scrutinizing thesauruses to find cooler-sounding words.
So the title suggests that it is devised by an Asian whose main subject is surely not science. But it isn't.
I can excuse if many anime, manga (Japanese stuffs), or foreign movies, when they tried to depict the scary but discreet presence of a superpower, they use American tax-paid federal body like FBI. Yeah, FBI agent on holiday in some foreign country. Nevermind the details, they never bothered to check at all.
It is riddled with Mission: Impossible 2 kind of action scenes, but they weren't made by John Woo. It is equally stupid and unnecessary. Then the plot twist is totally outlandish. It seems that they put more emphasis on how to create unrealistically cool fight 100%, while 0% was spent on choreographing who's fighting who.
My pet hate for the movie is in the naming of the character there, so unbearably lazy: Ecks, Sever, Vinn... they could have named the character with cool Asian-English sounding names, like Fync, Styv, Lyf... all that pseudo-Viking names, which we heard from western tales of badassery. I believe an inbred redneck imprisoned in the worst hicktown could come up with much better name than that.
The lesson here
I also hate Max Payne for the same reason, the Finns are truly lazy there: Max Payne, Mona Sax, Lisa Punchinello (Sax), Vladimir Lem, Boris Dime. But, then all the references there makes the naming much more sense: Finito, Lupino, Punchinello, Horne, Woden, we get it alright? It was intentional.
Just don't try to hard to make a bad movie, make it intentional, not pretentious.
Affirmative action hurts, this movie starts franchise-making names like Banderas, I believe they are all attracted by this third world stunt on breaking into Hollywood. And while we are at that, all of that white guilt feeling inbred to all liberal Hollywood superstars kicks in, and makes them agree to ruin their name, and participate in the movie.
Like all third worlders with big goals, we got all the stuffs, but zero knowledge nor experience. We were all in a mission, carried out by loads of incompetent bunch, but with blank cheque, and we throw in national pride in it sometimes. Indonesia once owned Lamborghini and Vector, it did nothing to Lambo and bankrupted the Vector. This movie is such project, losing nearly $50 million. I hate every aspect of it.
